Dec 30, 2003
Yesh, after writing all of that stuff last night it made me feel a lot better. I slept for a good 12 hours for once. Felt real nice. Anyhow, I'm moving on. I'm in the process of developing my own web-site. I'll post screen shots whenever I'm almost done. This is something that I've wanted to do for almost three years now, and I've got a good feel for what it's gonna be about, but I don't want to give away any details. So... errr... I guess I'll keep you kind people updated on that.
BTW, once I get the site up and running, I'm going to need some help with it after a while. But it won't be up until around... June or July. I don't know who I'm going to register my domain name with, but I've found out who I'm getting hosting from. http://e-starr.com
They look pretty stable and reliable, not to mention it's affordable for someone like me. Well, that's the 411.
Posted at 12:22 pm by Skittlez
Dec 29, 2003
After reading through some of my past entries, I finally realize why my friends say, to put in my own terms, that I'm a young spirit with an old soul. I never really thought about how far my intellect goes, but now that I question myself I know. I've seen far too many things people my age will never see in a lifetime. I know far too many things that I should never have known. I've seen my own brother's fight (using metal chairs and beer bottles even), I've seen people get shot before my very eyes. I've seen so much blood shed and despair, I wonder why I'm not suicidal. Maybe it's because of my neutral outlook on life. Sometimes I think positively, sometimes negatively, but most of the time, I'm in between. It's like that question, "Do you see the glass half empty, or half full?" I'd input my own option and say inbetween.
I've been through hell in my own house over a dozen times in a single week, and still have the will to live. But if you told me I were to die tomorrow, fine. I'd die tomorrow, I can't change what is meant to be. I live my life on a day by day, second by second basis. And I think it does me some good. My GPA is well above a 3.0, I know that for a fact because I'm in the top 10% of my class. I know what I want in life and I am determined to have it as long as I live. I don't believe in anything, by blood I should be Catholic. I only believe in what I can see with my own eyes and touch with my own hands.
I have my own version of hell, it's this house that I live in. And of course, my own version of the 'devil' which would be my brother. I hate him. Normally I wouldn't use such strong a word as 'hate' but in this case it clarifies how I feel. When I say I don't like someone, it means I don't like who they are. When I say I hate someone, it means I wish they would die because they've brought so much pain and misery to my life. My brother is the only one that I hate.
I had three brothers, now I have two. The youngest of the three was murdered just two months before his 21'st birthday. The murderers haven't been caught yet. He would've been 23 on the 16'th. I haven't really told anyone, but I know I'm depressed far beyond the point where I can comprehend such a matter. The second oldest is the one I hate with the utmost passion. He would accuse me of things I'd never done, he'd blame anything on me for the slightest error even when I was nowhere to be found. I'm ashamed of him. He'd never done cocaine, but he did smoke weed/marijuana/whatever you want to call it. It's just as bad. He's an alcoholic now, although he won't admit it. And currently, he's in jail because he can't clean up his act. He's there because he violated his probation and never paid any of his speeding tickets/D.W.I/public intoxication fees... And you know what? He's been in jail more times than I can count on my fingers and he's only 26. He's given me so much shit about his dad being in the state penitentiary, about our brother's death, about how he's screwed up and I have what he never had. Well you know what I say to that? I say he can go to hell in street car and I'll see him there. The past is the past and it should stay there but he wants me to bare his pain.. and I'm so tired of it. At least he knew his dad and has the option to hate him.. I'll never know mine. At this point, I should say that my brothers are my half-brothers. Same mom, different father. I'm hispanic, they're African-American.
Should it really be this hard to love your own brother? I don't think it should. I'm putting entirely too much stress on worrying about what my family thinks of me instead of what I want. I want to get out of this stupid town, away from all of these stupid people that seem to flock here. I want to go to Duke University, find out what I like the best, learn Japanese, go to Japan, make my own music, help people out.. I want to do what I love and not what my family wants me to do. I don't care so much about what other people think, I care about what my family thinks of me because I care about them. But the sooner I get away, the sooner I can feel relief. That's all I want.. I don't want all this excess bullshit.
My best friend isn't on the thinking level I am and sometimes it's hard to hold a conversation with her. She fantasizes too much... it's O.K. every now-and-then, but all the time? She's stuck in what could be, I'm stuck in reality. Sometimes, I wish I were rich. Emphasizing 'somtimes.' I want to help people out, y'know? I grew up in the streets of S. Dallas, the real ghetto that people in the country often try to imitate but can never duplicate, if you know what I mean. But at least the ghetto has this type of... respect. Out here, respect is like something forbidden. Something never heard or thought of. That's why I don't like living out here. For one, the silence is making me somewhat paranoid. The only people I feel I can trust is my friend, Olivia, and sometimes complete strangers like you people who bother to read. Olivia is on the thinking level that I'm on. She understands what I try to get across, and I understand her equally as well. And as far as strangers go, it's only because I don't know you therefore I don't care about what you think. XP Not to sound rude, but it's true. Call me a sadistic wanna-be-happy-go-lucky-selfish bitch if you like, I won't care. 'Cause I'm probably all of those things even though I'm just 16. Weee.... go me...
Yesh, can I rant or what?
P.S. Sorry for consuming your precious time if you bothered to read this. Hope you have a good day, sincerely.
Posted at 06:59 pm by Skittlez
Agh, haven't had roasted marshamallows in a long..long time. This particular subject was brought to my attention by my brother.. seeing as I have no fire-place nor a gas stove, I was roasting some marshmallows with a lighter XP. I offered one to my brother and he says..."Did you know that they make marshmallow roasters?" and I'm all, ".....great...." But I guess it doesn't really matter...
I should change the info to the right there.... It's been there ever since I created this magnificent, boring blog. But I'm sure my endlessly mindless rants keep you all entertained. But yes, see I'm not currently listening to Imaginary any longer. I'm listening to Standy By Me by Ben E. King and the Drifters
. I'm a sucker for some of the old stuff like that, although my main love is for Alternative Rock and J-Pop/Rock. So, how in the heck am I listening to Stand By Me
? Well, I don't own any 'old' albums, but thanks to HBO and TiVo, I recorded the movie Stand By Me and listened to the song... Cheap, but as long as I don't have to shell out some extra dollars.
I'm currently developing my own website... yes I hope to keep posting here and such, but I also want my own site where I can post whatever the hell I want and host all types of content (except the porn you freaks). Hmn, I can't seem to get the song out of my head. Suppose I shall share the lyrics with you? Maybe in a few moments.
Jesus, I need a job and quick. I need to buy stuff off of the internet but currently I can't because I need money.... And where do I get money? From a job (or mom but she doesn't have that type of money to spare). I want to buy some of Ayu's CD's. I've been listening to her music off of different sources around the internet and now I want to listen to her songs whenever I like... Besides, her new album Memorial Address looks promising. Why did the government have to make life so much more complicated than it already is by enforcing taxes and creating the law that forbids people to buy music off of the internet?! Egh, I live for music and music alone... Oh, I got Final Fantasy X-2
along with a poster that goes with it for Christmas. And I succeeded in avoiding my family on my birthday, which was the 11'th, and made my brother and mom forget about me. w00t! First time I've been able to do such a feat... well... here are some lyrics for you.. Hope it sparks some mild thought/interest:
Stand By Me
- by Ben E. King and the Drifters
When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only
Light we'll see
No I won't be afraid
Oh I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me
**So/And darling, darling stand by me
Oh stand by me
Oh stand, Stand by me
Stand by me
***If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
Or the mountain should crumble to the sea
I won't cry
I won't cry
No I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me
Posted at 05:47 pm by Skittlez
Nov 26, 2003
Haven't updated in a long, long time. Eh, but onto the stuff that I need to get out of my head.
1. Akira Takasaki
2. Ayumi Hamasaki
3. Got my PS2 back (finally).
4. Suikoden III
- one of the best RPG's ever.
5. Think Geek
- one of the best places to buy all your stuff's.
6. Mega Tokyo
- who couldn't love these guys?
- has some of the best layouts/tutorials/people.
8. Gene Shaft
- great anime.
9. Brother S.S.M.- in jail once again.. go figure..
11. Life- complicated.
12. What I need- a new computer w/ better internet access. -.-
Ok, so that basically covers the overall thoughts that I have right now.. So... I'm feeling pretty.. neutral. That's a good thing, right? Well, at least I think so. Hmn, tomorrow's Thanksgiving... I'm so... excited... Pffft... I'll just put on about 20 pounds that I don't need nor want. I'm fearing my birthday because it's just around the corner and I don't wanna know what my mom's planning for me. It's supposedly a 'big' thing for turning 16... I don't think so. It'll be like the rest of my birthday's --just another day of the year that people have to worry about. So I say, SCREW IT! I might just make myself disappear for a little while that day. Heh... well...
Posted at 05:34 pm by Skittlez
Jul 25, 2003
Posted at 05:16 am by Skittlez
Like the title says... I am surprised. XP I went to San Antonio for a day and come back and people have e-mailed me about my previous post. -Points downwards.- Mostly people talking about the little boy and his fingers getting cut off. -Flinches.- And then some about my life. -Cringes, and twitches some.- My life has it's ups and downs.. More downs than anything. But I guess that was about 10 percent of my current existance of bad stuff. Well.. I'm tired. 8 hour trips do that to me, y'know. So...
Posted at 03:57 am by Skittlez
Jul 23, 2003
What's the most disgusting, gory thing you've ever seen happen? I can answer this easily as I remember it all to clearly.
I lived on the first floor of a two floor apartment building; to the right of the mail-box room, in front of a grassy fenced off yard, and to the left of the courtyard and yet another fenced off yard. This is mostly a Hispanic neighborhood, and me being Hispanic and all, I blended in quite well. Anyhow, I was playing in the courtyard with a couple of my friends. We were playing tag and I was it but we had this 10 second rule to start off as it was just beginning. Anyhow, I was waiting as my friends ran off, and then I noticed this kid about my age (4-5 or so) standing in the door way talking to his mother in Spanish. She was yelling at him to shut the door from what little Spanish I was taught.
CAUTION, DETAILED DESCRIPTION LIES AHEAD!
YOU HAVE BEEN FOREWARNED.
So, he was standing in the door way with his fingers in the binding between the door and the frame. An older guy (his father I presume) got up and shut this door. That's the first time I ever saw anybody go so white before releasing the most horrible scream ever. His index, middle, ring finger and the tip of his little finger on his right hand all got cut off. It was obviously a clean cut because he fell down with blood pouring everywhere: the door, the concrete, and the walls. Miraculously, his fingers didn't get crushed like you would've thought they would. His parents immediately came out. His mother took the dish rag she was holding and tried to stop the bleeding the best she could while his father picked up the fingers.
X.X; I saw him 2 weeks later with bandages around his fingers. I felt really sorry for him, after all, it could happen to anyone. Just standing in the door way, fiddling with the binding edge of the door and then it shuts on ya. -Flinches.- I wouldn't be able to live without fingers. But that was the most grotesque thing I've ever seen. Horror movies that show all the guts don't compare to an actual live expierience.
I lived in a bad neighborhood when I was little. South Dallas to be exact. A lot of police and ambulance sirens, and of course gun shots. The same apartment complex, someone right on the left of our apartment got shot. I thought maybe someone had dropped something really heavy cause I was playing in my room. Then came all my friends telling me what had happened. Me being the curious kid I was, went to investigate. The trail of blood started about 4 feet away from my door. It proceeded all the way to the far right end where there was a big puddle. The ambulance had arrived about 6 minutes before I did because... I did hesitate, so they were loading the guy in. Sad thing was, I knew the guy. He was about 24, and very friendly.
I remember the first time I lost someone close to the family. And I mean real close, so close he could've been my uncle. He was in his late twenties or early thirties. He was stabbed several times in an alleyway. My mom told me this because she didn't think I would remember. But I do. I was so naive back then that I even recommended giving Lucy (the guy's sister) some cookies to make her feel better. My mom told me that wouldn't be a good idea.. So, I was in the funeral home, sitting in the front row on the left because that's where close friends to the family sit, and then the actual family sits to the right. I was watching everybody cry, even my mother, but I couldn't. I was about to cause I felt sad for all these people, but then I realized that I shouldn't. I wasn't gonna mourn for these people, I was gonna mourn for him. And I remember, he once told me that he would always protect me if I was in danger. So I believed he would come back, and didn't cry.
Well, that's a lot about my life actually. I haven't even told my friends this. Guess I never thought about it. What triggered this memory was the movie Panic Room. Where the guy gets his fingers cut off in the steel door.. Well...
Posted at 02:14 am by Skittlez
I've noticed that all people criticize everybody else, except themselves. Well, excepting me. I may not say it out loud, but I do it subconciously. Or perhaps we all do? But anyhow, I've noticed that without criticism, average, ordinary, every-day people have absolutely NOTHING to talk about. And when people have nothing to talk about, they begin to make fun of everybody else. Take Michael Jackson for instance. I could care less about how he looks or what he did: that's his personal life. All I want to know, or really care about, is his music because it's the one thing he openly reveals to the public; not because people constantly pry into his life because they don't have one of their own. If a famous person doesn't want people to know something, then they shouldn't tell and people should just let them be. People should only care about what the famous person WANTS them to know something and makes it public.
I know I may sound like a hypocrite, but you can't really judge me just because I'm a girl. I'm not like the -average- girl at all. Y'know, with all the co-ordinating lip-gloss, shirt, pants, shoes, hair-style, cell phone, just the works in general. No, I'm not like that at all. In fact, I consider most people who obsess over that prats, because that's all they'll ever be. Though, I do dress myself nicely so that it's distinguishable that I'm not a tom-boy. Never will be, never have been. But I don't go all out just to impress a few people that I'm aquaint with. Besides, if I can't dress comfortably around my friends, then I can't hang out around them. And that's that. There's no if's or and's about it.
But seriously, I do criticize my self. When I look at this blog, I think, "I can do way better than this." But I never do because I'm not dedicated to it. I love edting HTML, but when it's already been done for me, it makes my life easier. I've often thought about something. What if suddenly, you wake up and your whole family was... gone. Not left for Alabama gone, but dead gone. Just lying there. No reason why. Just... died. I'd probably cry..... cry until I couldn't cry anymore and then jump into a lake in a pathetic attempt to drown myself. Nobody wants to see their family dead like that.. I wouldn't be able to stand it.
Posted at 01:48 am by Skittlez
Jul 22, 2003
People do the stupidest things when they're in danger. I mean, think about it. Imagine your on a sidewalk next to this 80 floor building, when suddenly (for some odd reason) a desk falls out of a window. Are you just gonna stand there and stare at it like, "I have the power to stop this desk from falling," and then, BAM! It hits you? Or do they think that they're imagining it or something? All I know is, I'd haul ass.
For some reason, I have this thing for people falling. I don't know why, but I always find it hilarious. Even when I fall, which is rarely, I laugh. I must have some weird mental defect or something. I guess, I shouldn't have eaten so much paper when I was in the first grade. That's also something that I miss. Being able to take naps during the school day. God, those were the days. Now-a-days, it's like, "MY GOD WOMAN! SHUT UP AND LET ME SLEEP! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" or, "Did I have my caffeine today. I don't know. Oh.. my... GOD! I NEED CAFFEINE! QUICK! BEFORE I PASS OUT!" LoL. I feel more like a combonation of both.
I especially hate it when you're dreading something and hoping for time to slow down, when suddenly it kicks up a gear and the next thing you know it's happened. Gah, I hate that. Especially when mid-terms and finals start to come around. Usually before Christmas break and Summer Vacation. Not to mention that bull-shit test that they call TAKS (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills). Why the hell do they come up with long names? If you ask me, I'd rather take something more challenging than the TAKS test. The TAAS test was harder and more complex. But no, the system has to change. If I'm gonna be taught something, I'd rather have it be challenging rather than dull and utterly stupid.
PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEMS CAN GO TO HELL! God. Where in the hell am I gonna need to use World History/Geography? I'm never gonna be on "Who Wants To Be A Millionare" or "Weakest Link." So why the fuck do I need to read such bull shit? I could care less what's happened in Spain, Europe, Australia, Canada. I don't care what the US GDP is, or who our trade partners are. If I were going to be in congress or in foreign exchange, I'd take the damn class. But I'm not. Yet those are the "required classes." School is utterly useless if you ask me. Why the hell am I gonna need to improve my grammar if I'm not trying to impress anybody? Why will I need to know how to separate the subject from the noun, the predicate, and what not? When will I use is geometry or mathematics for in every day life? I'm not gonna be a damn architect. I'd rather do things worth while. I consider Band and Photojournalism two of these things. I can actually apply things that I learn in these classes to everyday life, because I'm actually interested in these things. So why be forced to learn things that will never apply to your future? I question all schools, and especially the god-damned government for having to require students attend school almost 9 months a year (excluding vacations).
Who ever thought of school anyways? I certainly could do without it. Getting a job would be so damn easy, too. No GED or High School diploma required. And no College education to get a great job. This all fucking sucks.
Posted at 07:04 pm by Skittlez
I hate news updates. They interrupt your regular tv viewing schedule, and then you can't even watch what you missed. That sucks. So, I guess this is my first post... Not like I haven't had a blog before. So I'm very aware of HTML. I might even make my own. -Laffs at the thought.- Anyways...
I noticed not many people at BlogDrive know how to edit their blog entries, how to make the font look well with the layout and all. I might just stick to reading my own over and over. But hell, I think I'd bore myself, so that's out the window. Or I can look for other people who know how to blog... and hang out with them? Lmfao. That's funny. The only person that I've noticed so far that actually knows what he's doing, is Amateur-Bandit. I'd go check him out.
Before anybody asks why I don't use any of the pink layouts, I'll tell you here and now. Pink isn't my style. Besides, I like this template much better. It has more of a personality... Anyhow..
Posted at 02:38 pm by Skittlez
Location: Never Land
Listening to: Tomorrow- SR-71
Wearing: Heh, clothes.
Drinking: Pepsi (the best).
Feeling: Bored & Amused
Fav. Color: Neon Orange
Watching: Malcom in the Middle (XP)
Doing: Editing some stuff..
Talking to: Myself, heh
Fav. Program: ITunes
This little section is being... "revised." So you've probably just wasted 3-8 seconds depending on how fast you can read.